Those days when it feels like the only reason you are keeping yourself going is solely to keep yourself going. Living for your wife and kids failed. Living for your dreams failed. Living for your parents' dreams and the mad dreams society kept telling you to dream--these failed as well.

There is no longer such a thing as a purpose-filled life, or some great goal of beautiful retirement in a mansion near a golf course. There is simply work of whatever variety is presented to you, then death (unless the merciless powers that be with their AI gods are able to snatch your soul up when you have that chip inserted into your forehead so you don't have to keep a credit card and passwords to bank accounts lying around).

You lived for realizing that dream of being the dad teaching his kids to ride their bikes. One was terrified of the least movement of the bike (the other--who knows? he is still learning very basic skills and often forgetting them), and like most other attempts to teach him something, it ended in the child wailing miserably and you frustrated beyond any ability to see straight. As a rule, there is always some much better dad of a dad walking by with his baby riding a bike without training wheels straight out of the womb staring at you and offering chuckling commentary while this takes place.

You had to face the facts that you were less of a man than your own father in this area as well.

You thought perhaps by focusing solely on the areas that you could effect some growth in their development--such as reading them books and teaching them new science facts--and focusing on your job after a year of unemployment to become thoroughly established here so that a few hours time off to hang out with the kids would be acceptable--you thought you were contributing...something as a husband and father until she told you no, you aren't doing shit. We can get by without you, but we'll still need access to some of your money.

You thought your life partner would see your sickness in front of her and look past that to the frightened man trying so hard to get out from under it. You can imagine if someone had an illness like heart disease or immune disorder being chided for not being more actively involved in the kids' school and extracurricular activities. A person weary from chemotherapy or confused and upset by it all being turned into a lazy monster in the retelling of their attempts at self-care, self-preservation.

Debillitating mental illnesses as unexamined childhood traumas coupled with decades of using alcohol to cope with it all and function as an adult in society--and the utter cratering of mind and spirit with that unhelpful "help" now removed: why, these are just shit you need to deal with on your own and with your therapist. Fine, but can you still see the human being you fell in love with and married behind this, or can you merely see the illness and re-map your spouse's identity to that?

You knew that just a single moment of empathy and compassion from her would set things back on course again. Just a ray of understanding. After all, both of her parents had parents with early dementia/Alzheimer's except one. Her odds of one day struggling with remembering things and being unable to take care of herself seemed high, and you would be there for her after your sickness had passed.

And it was and is so close to being completely gone. If not for the divorce and Dad's death, the arc of recovery would have continued to trend ever upward. You were not strong enough to maintain a wrath-free self during this period, though she saw little of this by then as you were mostly gone--kicked out of the home that was going to be shared by both of you.

You are watching your boys drift away from you bit by bit. She had already established in them a deep sense of only really listening to and trusting her--your words were kind of sort of paid attention to while you were there and when you briefly get to see them, then nothing. Your kids don't remember anything you teach them, and she honestly couldn't care less about anything you think might be important for them to know.

So, after deferring so many dreams to please Mommy and Daddy by trying to find that special someone and start a family with that someone--carrying on this request after Mommy died and Daddy seemed to care less and less about what choices you made for your future--you really have no clue what it is you should be working on in the here and now...

You can look at this as a complete nightmare and failure on your part. Or, you can simply keep on moving in the direction you were before, sans home and family, and be that Mirror of Heaven you claim to want to be.

Like the Tao Te Ching says: Heaven and Earth regard beings as straw dogs.

My tiny little mess of me problems mean nothing to the Universe at the end of the day. The compassion and kindness you hope to find here on earth can only come from you. You can mirror your own small, sad desire to yet try to bring more light into the world than darkness. Yet, at the end of the day, this often feels like such a losing proposition. How often were/are your prayers answered? Your own mother prayed for "safety going out and coming in" for your brothers for years and years. You yourself prayed for your Aunt in a coma to pull out of it--again, for years and years. Your grandma's cancer, your own terrible eyesight. Lord please heal us. Lord please heal us. Your wrath, your lust, your drinking. Well, you finally stopped drinking completely. Was it the Lord? Maybe. You deserve a little credit, too, friend.

But really, other beings mostly regard other beings as straw dogs. How often do you read about something horrible happening to someone else, and remark "glad it wasn't me," or even not register that another human being suffered immeasurably in a way that could have just as easily been you?

You care much more about yourself than anyone or anything else, and so you mostly end up mirroring this to the world. You frame conversations of what is important around what matters to you or how a change in activity might benefit you (or if not, it at least benefits the Other without you having to lift a finger--such as well-meant advice you give with no intention of doing anything).

The truth is, you see who you are and Reality itself in much the same way people used to thing that the earth was flat and the center of the universe. You can't possibly fathom what or who you might be after your soul sheds your mortal coil. Will you suddenly find yourself in heaven/hell/the ground, or perhaps you discover you are composed of so much more than this body, yet that "much more" consists of what is shared by all other souls?

A deeper truth is that while you may care about yourself more than others in a selfish, self-centered way, you often end up doing little actual self care. Take more nights to just read a few pages from the Tao Te Ching or Awakening of the Heart. Be kind to yourself and repair that which is frayed in YOU. This is different than simply having a me-first attitude when running various dialogues in your head about how to fix all of these problems in front of you.

Think about how you might feel if you were yourself from another time period looking in at poor you now. Would you simply look away and pray some other alternate timeline befalls you (if it is you from the past), or try to forget as much as possible of the present sad you (if it is you from the future)? Instead, imagine you are yourself from another time period looking in on the present, and saying: "I'm so sorry, friend. I know you have been giving it your best shot every day, and this doesn't seem right. There's karma and then there's this. Friend, just double down on your quiet inner peace, meditation cave, and dream place where some compassionate friends do come to visit you. And give yourself a break--you aren't necessarily the one to blame all the time. This doesn't mean jump to the opposite end of the spectrum and start blaming everyone else for your problems. It just means give yourself some grace when it feels like noone else is ever going to again."